09.16.01

I feel numb. I need to sleep. I can't turn off the news. It's on all day, all night, on the radio at work. I am now to the point where I just can't hear anymore and yet I still can't turn it off, even when I'm sleeping the news is on in the background. If I turn it off, its as if I'm giving up on the vigil for all the families of those lost. I'm not ready to go to war yet. I am grieving for those lost, their families, their friends. I am grieving for our children, our sons and daughters. I'm not done yet!

We lit candles and walked to Harvard Ave (our back yard). We watched a beautiful sunset and tried to keep the candles lit. Then I realized that each time my candle went out, I knew that a another new angel got just got their wings. That somehow, somewhere those angels know we are here thinking of them. I can only hope they will watch over us and most of all watch over our children. I do believe in angels.

I am sitting here feeling, finally. Its a relief. I am trying to find my way to that hole in my heart where I have built a wall to protect me from my tears. I haven't cried yet. I can feel the pressure behind my eyes, I know those tears are there. Tonight, maybe tonight I will be able to let go, to finally knock down that wall that I put up so fast because the news was to much to comprehend. My fear is that if I let myself feel, if I let myself go to that dark place in my broken heart and release those tears, I may never come back, the tears may never stop and I will be paralyzed. However, I know that is what I must do, I must let go to stay alive as a dear friend and mentor told me "you cannot remain truly alive unless you think, feel, decide and act." I will be ready soon to move on to the next step.

Yes, I've even started to say a prayer several times a day, please, please keep our children safe. No, I haven't gone religious on you, its just a prayer to my Guardian Angel, the one I found on my way up to Half Dome.

If all of this seems selfish to be thinking of my own grief, my apologies. You know me. I need to write or talk about my feelings to let them out, to make some sense of all of this horror. Thank you for listening and being there for me.

Be safe, love each other and know that I love you with all my heart.

Sunday, 9/16/01

In my grief I was trying to make some sense of this nightmare. Of course there is no way to make sense of it. I happened to turn on the TV this morning and as I was flipping channels I discovered A Concert for America on VH1. At first, I was somewhat surprised that this would take place now, of all times. I then realized that the music was so timely, the music we all grew up with. But it was, for me, a chance to get a little more in touch with what I am feeling right now. I wanted to share two sets of lyrics by Don Henley and friends, from The End of the Innocence CD. I know it seems long, but read it you wish, when you have time.

Love, R.

The End of The Innocence

Remember when the days were long
And rolled beneath a deep blue sky
Didn't have a care in the world
With mommy and daddy standing by
But "happily ever after" fails
And we've been poisoned by these fairy tales
The lawyers dwell on small details
Since daddy had to fly

But I know a place where we can go
That's still untouched by men
We'll sit and watch the clouds roll by
And the tall grass wave in the wind
You can lay you head back on the ground
And let your hair fall all around me
Offer up your best defense
But this is the end
This is the end of the innocence

O' beautiful, for spacious skies
But now those skies are threatening
They're beating plowshares into swords
For this tired old man that we elected king
Armchair warriors often fail
And we've been poisoned by these fairy tales
The lawyers clean up all details
Since daddy had to lie

But I know a place where we can go
And wash away this sin
We'll sit and watch the clouds roll by
And the tall grass wave in the wind
Just lay your head back on the ground
And let your hair spill all around me
Offer up your best defense
But this is the end
This is the end of the innocence

Who knows how long this will last
Now we've come so far, so fast
But, somewhere back there in the dust
That same small town in each of us
I need to remember this
So baby give me just one kiss
And let me take a long last look
Before we say goodbye

Just lay your head back on the ground
And let your hair fall all around me
Offer up your best defense
But this is the end
This is the end of the innocence

One more...

New York Minute

Harry got up
Dressed all in black
Went down to the station
And he never came back
They found his clothing
Scattered somewhere down the track
And he won't be down on Wall Street
in the morning

He had a home
The love of a girl
But men get lost sometimes
As years unfurl
One day he crossed some line
And he was too much in this world
But I guess it doesn't matter anymore

In a New York minute
Everything can change
In a New York minute
Things can get pretty strange
In a New York minute
Everything can change
In a New York minute

Lying here in the darkness
I hear the sirens wail
Somebody going to emergency
Somebody's going to jail
If you find somebody to love in this world
Your better hang on tooth and nail
The wolf is always at the door

In a New York minute
Everything can change
In a New York minute
Things can get pretty strange
In a New York minute
Everything can change
In a New York minute

And in these days
When darkness falls early
And people rush home
To the ones they love
You better take a fool's advice
And take care of your own
One day they're here;
Next day they're gone

I pulled my coat around my shoulders
And took a walk down through the park
The leaves were falling around me
The groaning city in the gathering dark
On some solitary rock
A desperate lover left his mark,
"Baby, I've changed. Please come back."

What the head makes cloudy
The heart makes very clear
The days were so much brighter
In the time when she was here
But I know there's somebody somewhere
Make these dark clouds disappear
Until that day, I have to believe
I believe, I believe

In a New York minute
Everything can change
In a New York minute
You can get out of the rain
In a New York minute
Everything can change
In a New York minute

© Don Henley

-- RW